The Oscars are right around the corner and it’s time to make my annual guess predictions about how the Academy is gonna fuck it up this year. Remember this: The nominees are chosen by experts…and then voted on by the Academy(rich white people), many of which have not seen all of the nominated movies. I’ve also included who I believe SHOULD win the award, based on my own senile preferences and observations.

Original Screenplay

I love how the screenplay is usually the least recognized part of the movie making process. A screenplay should be fresh, coherent, and not lacking in the ingredients which make a movie great (read: The Writers Journey).

Adapted Screenplay

Visual Effects

Sound Mixing

Sound Editing

Short Film (Live)

Short Film (Animated)

Original Song

Original Score

Makeup

Foreign Language

Editing

Documentary Short

Documentary Feature

Directing

Costume

Cinematography

Ah this is my favorite Technical Category. Love lovvvve lovvee guessing this one.

Art Direction

Animated Feature

Supporting Actress

Supporting Actor

Actress

Actor

Best Picture

It’s called:  “Random Scene of the Day”

Basically, I think up some one page premise and write it here in script format. So here…we…start.

FADE IN:

INT.LIVING ROOM-DAY
John, a normal looking college student, sits at a round dining table, doing his homework. Sal, a gruff looking fellow, enters.

SAL
Man, dude we need to pay rent pretty soon, I think Al–

Sal is interrupted by a doorbell.

SAL (CONT’D)
Huh..I wonder who that could be?

John shrugs and gets back to work. Sal opens the door. No one there.

SAL (CONT’D)
What the hell? Dude, John. I think someone’s playing ding dong ditch on us.

John perks up.

JOHN
Ding dong ditch huh? We’ll show them.

The two stare at each other. They run out of the house.

EXT. HOME DEPOT- DAY
We see John and Sal leaving with a bunch of random items: nails, tape, rope, pulleys, a hacksaw, flour, and assorted screws and doodads.

INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY
We see John and Sal cutting wood, looping rope into the pulleys, and taping things to the door. They finish up and smile at their handiwork. They share a look that says: “This will show them.” They run upstairs.

INT. BEDROOM-DAY
They wait upstairs for the ding dong ditcher to return. The sun goes down and they fall asleep.

INT. BEDROOM- NIGHT
They awake at the sound of an alarm coming from Sal’s computer.

SAL
John wake up! The alarm’s been tripped.

JOHN
H-huh? Oh! Roll on one!

Sal hits a lever which activates an eerie rustle in the wall. We hear the sound of rope tightening. They look down to see a shadowy figure creeping towards the door. The figure is about to press the doorbell. The man’s face is cloaked by shadow. He presses the bell. A shout follows.

SAL
He touched the pin! Activate the electricitiy!

John pulls a makeshift lever. We hear crackling electricity. The man downstairs is shocked till he begins to smoke. We hear his anguished screams. Sal picks up a bag of flour.

SAL (CONT’D)
Now?

JOHN
Wait for it.

The sprinklers turn on behind the shadowed man. They are all aimed at the doorway. The man is soaked. John motions to Sal.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Now!

Sal throws the flour out the window covering the man with powder. John and Sal look on in horror as the man turns up to face them. It is ALI, a stocky persian man.

SAL
Oh crap, it’s the landlord.

JOHN
No way.

Ali is screaming at them.

ALI
John! Sahlva-dor! JOHN!!! Why?! Come down here John!

Sal and John don’t know what to do. Sal remembers something.

SAL
Oh crap! Stop the–

Sal is interrupted by the splintering of the door as a giant log, suspended by ropes, hurtles at Ali’s crotch. It knocks him back.

SAL (CONT’D)
…the log.

Ali is screaming louder.

ALI
AHHH! My Chuol! AH! JOHHHHNNNN!!!! JOHHHHNNN!! WHY??!! COME DOWN JOHN! COME DOWN!

Sal and John look at each other once more, frightened.

SAL
What should we do?

JOHN
Shhh dude. Turn off the lights.

We see the lights up stairs turn off. The duo sit in the darkness and listen to Ali screaming. They hear him stomp off. They wait.

SAL
I think he left.

JOHN
That-

John is interrupted by the sound of a bat crashing against the side of the house.

ALI
JOHHHN! COME DOWN! I KNOW YOU ARE HOME! JOHHHN!!

The crashing continues then stops.

JOHN
Do you think he’s done?

We hear the sound of a window shattering. Running sounds follow. A car drives off.

SAL
Now he is.

FADE OUT

Don't you hate when movies use the title in the movie? It seems cheesy.

Now, to be frank and to the point, I expected more from this movie. The trailer looked hilarious and got me pumped to go see this flick, but I just felt that it did not deliver all that it promised. The only things that were truly ingenious/ well written were the parts of the film that were shown in the trailer, lessening the surprise and excitement on their delivery. Apparently Apatow was not involved in this movie, but you can definitely notice the influence of his work on this film. I came into the moving thinking that it was an Apatow film, but after watching it, I realized how mistaken I had been.

This was not at the same caliber as Apatow’s work…the lines feel uninspired and at times…boring! Though Segel and Rudd work monumentally well together, much of the talk between jokes is forgettable. The two lead actors put so much into their characters, it pains me that they are brought down a notch by the unpolished structure and unpolished nature of the script. Structurally, the film is a very predictable comedy. The plot is very linear, and though some random curve balls are thrown in ( Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk for example), but it seems like reaching/stretching. You see the makings of the final conflict working much earlier than they needed to be…and you just know that things will turn out better than anyone could hope.

My real gripe about the script is that it felt like the only dialogue that had any meaning was the witty banter/ dirty jokes / comments that was passed like a football between characters. The fights between Rudd and Jones seem petty and uninteresting…the final confrontation before the resolution between Segal and Rudd felt lifeless and unbelievable. But like I said before, it is not Rudd’s or Segal’s fault…the story is simply missing some beats that would aid in putting a bit of oomph to the situations.

The ancillary characters are one of the few real successes in the movie. Each minor character has a unique voice that is interestingly developed throughout the movie, sometimes even stealing some of the thunder from the main characters. Once again, their efforts are somewhat lost in the structure of the movie, which makes them more like extras touting lines at random times, rather than essential pieces of a puzzle.

From the technical side of things, not much can be said about things here. As expected from this type of movie, the cinematography is simple and non-invasive, allowing the characters to work in the scene. There is one particular scene where Segal and Rudd hug after a particular “moment” and the fountains in the background “blow their load”, a visual metaphor that gave me a chuckle. I should note here that there is some very weird homo eroticism that permeates throughout this movie, that gives it a certain awkward charm—similar to what was accomplished in Superbad. But this movie is no Superbad, though it tries desperately.

In conclusion, I’ll say that the movie would be doomed were it not for the charismatic Segal and Rudd combination. The story is predictable yet at times strangely random. As far as being a movie with a point…I feel that the movie could have been more than what it is in its present form. It could have been a deeper, more heartwarming character study of the girls’ guy, but rather, it felt like a camera following two goofballs messing around. Watch it for the witty dialogue, funny ancillary characters, and the clever repartee, but don’t expect much in other categories.

Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz? I dunno…it seems Vicky Barcelona is getting wayy too much credit. It was a good movie but not great, in my opinion. It’s a one watcher, not an Oscar Winner. I felt the other actresses were much more down to earth and believable.
Cinematography: Are they never going to give Roger Deakins an Oscar? It’s odd, he is so good because he is invisible and ubiquitous, but he is never given any credit because his work doesn’t “pop” as much as other photographers.

Best Actor: Sean Penn. Like I said earlier, I wanted him to win. I just didn’t think that he deserved it more than Mickey Rourke. I wished both of them could have won (and Penn did give a glorious shoutout to the comeback kid), but it seems that Hollywood truly is a bunch of commie homo-loving sons of guns.

• Best picture-Slumdog Millionaire. Personally, I felt that slumdog wouldn’t be an Oscar contender…but after seeing the momentum behind it, I gotta get on the bandwagon. I’ll admit it was my favorite movie this season, I just didn’t think it would be considered.
• Best Actor – Mickey Rourke. His stunning take on professional wrestling was not only gripping…it was an intimate look at the comeback kid. But I wouldn’t rule out Sean Penn, who was once again…stunning.
• Best Actress- Kate Winslet. Though I love Streep in her usual dragon lady role…it’s a big been there done that kind of feel. Kate Winslet showed a side of herself in the Reader that I’ve never seen before.
• Best Supporting Actor- Heath Ledger. Once again, I believed someone else SHOULD have won (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) but the Joker just has too much momentum behind him.
• Best Supporting Actress-Taraji Henson. This was my most difficult pick, because of the other ladies nominated. I really felt that she delivered her lines with such verisimilitude that I couldn’t help but feel a motherly connection with the woman.
• Best Animated Film- Wall-E. No Contest here.
• Best Costume- Revolutionary Road. Never has so little said so much. 
• Best Editing- Slumdog Millionaire. The cuts that reveal passage of time are simply amazing.
• Best Foreign Film- The Class. I’ll admit I only saw this movie and Waltz with Bashir…but the film left such an impression on me that I feel it should win the Oscar. It did sweep Cannes.
• Best Cinematography- Roger Deakins. Revolutionary Road should have been the movie he was nominated for, in my opinion, but his work is once again invisible yet unforgettable.
• Best Art Direction- Revolutionary Road. The theme, I’ve read, was to keep it simple/believable…to not scream the 50’s, but to set a framework for the movie. I believe it was a success.
• Best Director-Danny Boyle. I want to root so hard for Gus Van Sant because of his brilliant job on Milk, but Slumdog was just too touching to go unnoticed.
• Best Screenplay (Original)-Milk. Dustin Lance Black turns the life of an individual into an understandable and believable narrative.
• Best Screenplay (Adapted)- Slumdog Millionaire. Just the temporal presentation of the story wins this in my book.
• Best Documentary- Man on Wire. Simple proof that non-fiction can be even more gripping that fictional events at times.
• Best Makeup- Hellboy 2. Though the Joker’s makeup was undoubtedly a big part of Ledger’s performance…Perlman’s change is still top notch.
• Best Music- Slumdog Millionaire. Though most of the music was collected from a library, it still fit the movie sublimely.
• Best Sound Editing-The Dark Knight. The sound of the batpod is what sold me on this one. I’ll admit some of the sound effects were a bit corny…but not a deal breaker in my book.
• Best Sound Mixing- Slumdog Millionaire. In my opinion, the sound quality was perfect in this movie. The streets of Mumbai never sounded so crisp and believable.
• Best Visual Effects- Benjamin Button. Never has a movie been so dependent on visual effects since Forrest Gump. 

Overall:

At the beginning of the movie, I couldn’t pay attention so I just looked at the way they did the stop animation,  but after a while, I couldn’t help but get sucked into the story. Plus the 3-D animation is awesome!

P.S. I’m not very good at writing reviews

As I walked back to my car (apparently theaters frown upon loud tirades during screenings), I wondered what was wrong with those fat cats in Hollywood. Hundreds of thousands of scripts are copyrighted every year, yet it is these unbelievable shitty remakes that end up getting made. I know, I know. The stories have been “proven” in the consumer market (A Tale of Two Sisters beat out the Matrix Revolutions when it came out), but why remake it? A re-releasing with subtitles would have sufficed. Look at these two pictures from the Uninvited (the remake) and the original film.

Tale of Two Sisters

Pretty, don’t you think? The original folk tale dealt with drowning, so whenever water is shown in the movie, it acts as a sort of cue, reference, etc. Think of the color orange in the Godfather. Next Up, Shitsville.

The Uninvited

Hmmm… See any symbolism here? Ironically there is. This image is an example of the prostitution of ideas. The unnecessary rehashing of art, simply for money’s sake. I italicized unnecessary because, in my opinion, creativity is a rehashing of  old concepts. But the difference here is…creativity presents these old, tried and tested ideas in NEW ways. I’ll show you what Mr. Thomas Guard thinks creativity is…

Beautiful Imagery

DONE, SON. I can just see the director smirking with an undeserved sense of accomplisment, gently stroking his douchebag soul patch as he wrapped this scene. “I’ll win an Oscar for this!” He’d think, driving away in his Ferrarri to sleep on his bed of money, his head rested neatly on his cocaine/prostitute thong pillow. Ok, I’ll admit. The majority of Best Picture winners are either adaptations or biopics. I get it. Having an already worked out story makes creating the world on screen that much easier. But when we start remaking old pictures because of FEAR of failure, or some idiotic idea that the old movies won’t “connect” to newer audiences, we are only perverting our beloved art form for money. Like a whore. Those older movies are so great because they are relevant even 50 years after they are made, remakes are NOT the answer. I heard they were going to remake Bonnie and Clyde, a CLASSIC, with Hillary Duff in the titular role. Faye Dunaway was flabbergasted. Hillary retaliated by saying her “fans” don’t even know who she is…and that she was old and had plastic surgery. Her fans don’t know her, making her “obsolete”. Herein lies the problem. We, the consumers PAY for junk like this. It won’t stop till we stop.

So I say to you, moviegoers everywhere! STOP WATCHING BAD MOVIES. If you accidentally watch a bad movie, LEAVE! Ask for your money back! But that is too much to ask. Mastery of the craft…Compelling narrative…a movie’s HEART…all these things are unnecessary if you just wrap shit up in pretty packaging. I call it the P.T. Barnum effect. Smooth talk well enough, and people will pay to see you spew vomit on a movie screen for two hours. Is there hope for American cinema? Of course. There are people who know how to balance pretty, crowd-pleasing tactics with compelling narrative and filmmaker spirit (Spielberg!), but these individuals are few and far between. Can the efforts of these few filmmakers work to balance the dime-a-dozen PT Barnum filmmakers that litter the alleyways of Hollywood? Only time will tell.

Perhaps compression is your issue.

After some snooping I found a good guide for compression at Eugenia’s rants, here. Finally I can start making some decent images appear! Thanks Eugenia.

Below is a video I uploaded with good compression.